Critical Thinking Through Writing

I teach biology and microbiology but I make my students write essays. I'm so MEAN. I think writing is important. Deal with it.

I recently asked them to write an essay comparing an animal cell to an analogous structure. They tend to have fun with these, and I get to read all about how the cell is like a prison or grandma's house or an amoeba (note to students, an amoeba IS a cell). Some students get a bit carried away and build a cell to go with their essays. I highly encourage this, especially if it's edible.

I bring you the cell as JELL-O^(R). CELL-O^(R).

Go ahead! Eat it! It's tasty, I promise! That's a plum for a nucleus, some licorice for ER, Mike and Ikes^(R) as mitochondria, cake sprinkles for ribosomes, and ribbon gum for the golgi apparatus. This is one of my best students, and she made this with her little brother. They got a bit too excited and put in the organelles before the gelatin was firm enough, and so they lost color and structure. I suspect this will simply encourage them to do it again.

Anybody need a fancy dessert for a party? Consider CELL-O^(R), a fun and educational treat!

Multiple Choice, True or False?

I do realize that multiple choice exams are tantamount to professorial cheating, but they're just so much easier that sometimes it's hard to motivate myself to other assessment techniques. Essays are time-consuming to evaluate. Short answer exams lend themselves to subjective grading because I'm searching for key words or phrases. With large class loads, zipping a SCANTRON through the machine is just so much simpler than my other options. And they can be rigorous! Just ask the 50% of my students that failed their last exam!

But this morning I wondered, do multiple choice tests accurately reflect student learning?

I give my students access to a test bank as a study tool. Most textbooks now come with electronic files: instructional materials, lecture slides, movies, test generators, animations, etc. I make some of these available to my students, because the main resource they have at their disposal when studying is their textbook. I call the test bank "Chapter Preps" and encourage them to use them to prepare for upcoming lectures. Students who use these score higher on their daily reading quizzes and higher on their exams. It's practice, and practice makes perfect.

This year we changed editions of our biology textbook, and the test bank has changed, but not in the way you would expect. It's still multiple choice, but the number of potential answers has decreased from five (A-E) to four (A-D). This increases the probability of randomly selecting a correct answer by 25% (from 1/5 to 1/4). I've yet to find justification for this by the publisher, and can only assume it is meant to increase student success. Is it appropriate to increase a student's chances of getting it right by decreasing the number of ways they could get it wrong?

When I create a multiple choice test I try to ensure that answers require critical thinking, not just rote memorization. Anybody can memorize a list of names; nucleus, ribosomes, mitochondria - but the most successful students will understand how those organelles function in context. A student may know that the mitochondria is for energy, but a better student will know why the shape of the mitochondria is critical to the production of ATP, a molecule that is essential for proper cell function. Assessing this difference on a multiple choice test is tricky, and I don't always get it right.

When I was an undergraduate I relished the opportunity to show off on an exam. I know, I know, it's obnoxious, but it's true. I hated multiple choice tests. They were boring and too easy and I often pretentiously considered the choices to be substandard to the answer I would have given if I had the freedom to do so. I know, I know, I was an arrogant jerk. If I had to teach College Breana I'd relish the chance to flunk her, mostly because I still am an arrogant jerk.

None of my students have the kind of confidence that I remember from college. I wasn't the only one who looked forward to exams with a nervous excitement - there were others. Many of us have gone on to be professors, and are in no way representative of "normal" college students. We were nerds. NERDS. And proud of it. I don't expect a classroom full of nerds, but I would like it if at least some of my students were interested in more than just the bottom line. They want to know exactly what they have to do to get a passing grade, and they invariably think the standards are set much too high. They like multiple choice, they rely on multiple choice, because they wouldn't be able to craft an answer in their own words.

How do I know? Because I've asked them to, and they can't. Student failure rates increase exponentially when I administer a short answer exam. It's more work for me and worse grades for them. I often look on this as a failure on my part, but I can try teaching the material six ways from Sunday and they still do better on multiple choice exams than on written ones. It's frustrating, and it makes a multiple choice test seem even more inviting. But it is fair? Is it rigorous enough? Is it appropriate for college? I'd love to know how other educators make this decision.

A Manifesto for Public Schools

As a college professor I am often shocked by the behavior of my students. Worse, they are shocked by my response to it. When I toss them out of class they ask, "Really?" Yes, really. Get out. A classroom is no place for bullies, cheaters, vandals or slackers. Somehow the public school system is rampant with all of these and not until they go to college do they see real consequences for their actions. Not until they fail a college course and can't complain their way out of it do they realize they may lack talent, discipline, or both. And even in college, parents demand grade changes for failing students and administrators pressure professors to give out more passing grades. This has to stop. It's crazy. It's not okay!! 

After listening to the horror stories of my peers at different academic levels, I hit a wall. I couldn't take it anymore. Enumerated below, in no particular order, are changes I believe to be desperately needed in public schools. It may look oversimplified, but the simplest explanation is often the best. I am a scientist, after all.

1. All children have a right to a public education. However, any child that infringes on the rights of other students to learn in a safe environment forfeits his/her own rights and should be dismissed. Currently, schools appease a few students at the expense of the others. It's despicable and should stop. Where is it written that troublemakers make the rules? That troublemakers have the right to ruin the educational experience of their peers? REWRITE THE RULES.  
2. Children must face real consequences for their behavior. Suspension and expulsion should be on the table, and furthermore, they SHOULD be an inconvenience, not just to the child, but to the parent. Can't leave work to pick up a troublemaker who has been thrown out of class? Can't stay home to care for a child that has been suspended? Too bad. Have a conversation with your child about how his/her actions affect the family economy. MAKE IT MATTER.
3. There is no A for effort. If a child does his/her best and receives a C, the student is average. Grade inflation simply prepares a child for failure in higher education. Most students are average. They can be special without being academically gifted. DEAL WITH IT.
4. Good children get rewards, bad children get removed. A reward can be anything extra-curricular: dances, awards ceremonies, field trips, etc.  Can't afford to keep your kid home on field trip day? See Article #2. Children who cause trouble should not receive privileges, as it detracts from the learning environment. A student who infringes on the rights of others cannot expect the same privileges as those who do not. ONLY GOOD KIDS GET REWARDS.
5. Teachers cannot teach when they are babysitters, referees, or security guards. Parents must prepare students to participate in the learning environment by teaching and demonstrating appropriate behavior. Children should strive to be respectful and responsible citizens, not spoiled, narcissistic brats. Teachers are educators, not parents, and education is more effective when the learning environment is safe. PARENTS NEED TO DO BETTER.
6. Administrators need to administrate some discipline so that teachers, staff and students enjoy a safe learning environment. School children would face fewer bullies in the hallway if school administrators ditched their frivolous meetings, came out of their offices, and commanded respect among students, parents, and staff. Thoughtful and consistent disciplinary procedures are  necessary to maintain safety.  Bullies should not be tolerated. As bullies beget bullies, expect repercussions from the bullying parents of child bullies. Stand your ground and stop the cycle. GROW A PAIR.
7. Teachers need to speak up for the students who deserve praise and demand discipline for those who detract from the learning environment. If teachers speak up, students will speak up, and the empowerment of a student body against those who inhibit the learning process can be useful in the peer-to-peer regulation of student behavior. It's not okay to behave inappropriately at school. It's not okay to be disrespectful. It's not okay to be mean. It's not okay. SPEAK UP.

It's gittin', it's gittin', it's gittin' kinda hectic

There are particular things that, for me, herald transition during this time of year: baseball on the radio, hay fever, warm days with cool nights, and graduation. Nothing says, "I've accomplished a goal and am ready to move forward," like a cardboard hat with a tassel on it. In fact, selected* statistics indicate that you are 72% less likely to be homeless, 90% less likely to be arrested, and 81% less likely to experience an unwanted pregnancy if you wore the university regalia. I've worn it three times; my cardboard hat is made of foam and lists slightly to one side. I try not to worry that it makes me look drunk or sloppy. I'm not usually drunk.

It's Final Week (cue scream) and there are an obscene number of students milling around my office waiting for grades. Keep in mind that I've already dished out 80% of the points and appreciate my frustration at being used as a human calculator for people who are too lazy to think on their own. "So, like, what do I have to make on the final to, like, pass this class?" You need to accumulate more than 60% of the total points I've made available. Do your own damn algebra! A friend recently sent this, written by a colleague frustrated by a similar issue. I'm not asking for rocket science or neurosurgery. It's basic math. How do you calculate a tip at a restaurant or your share of the cable bill if you can't do fractions?

Worse are the students who do very little all semester only to expect some sort of extra credit miracle at the end. If I have no idea who you are because you never came to class, why would I care about your academic standing? Why do I have to give you a C in my class so that you don't lose your financial aid? It's not my fault you're on probation.Oh wait, apparently it is my fault. I give out the grades. I've got the power. I don't simply divide the number of points a student accumulates over the number of points possible. I spin the Wheel of Grades located in the faculty lounge, and I've been known to spin it three or four times for my favorite students.

Why is it that when students get a good grade they take all the credit, but when they get a bad grade it's all my fault? And what's with this sense of entitlement? Why does everyone think they should get an A?

While I look forward to getting my free travel mug and/or tote bag at every scientific meeting I attend, there is a misleading precedent set when you get something "just for showing up." Suck at hockey? Have a trophy anyway! Really bad at math? That's okay! Everyone gets a ribbon for participating in the Math-A-Thon! Lacking in talent and morals? MTV will give you your own reality show!

Nobody appreciates that there are consequences for their actions. What happens when these students get jobs? Pharmaceutical Rep: "Oh, I would have finished that presentation but it was my buddy's birthday and we were out late. Can the client come back tomorrow?" ER Nurse: "Mr. Yamagashi in room 235 needed those meds, like, at a specific time? Oh man, I totally didn't know..." UPS Guy: "Huh, I had two packages looked the same, so I guess I grabbed the wrong one. Sorry dude!" When does it start being YOUR responsibility?

They call this generation The Boomerang Generation, but that's not exactly fair. Unmarried singles have historically lived with their parents. In fact, multi-generational households are common in many countries. Only recently have we decided that people should be more independent, and those moving back home tend to do so for financial - not marital - reasons. The difference? It's not that they need their mommies more, it's that their mommies want them back. I've got students being micromanaged by their parents, who in turn demand things from the faculty: grade changes, leniency on late papers, extra credit. If whining and empty promises work with parents, why not with professors? And if parents only ever deliver empty threats, why expect any different from the faculty?

I could talk about this all day, but I've got too many students milling around, waiting for me to do math for them.


* Statistics gathered in a rudimentary search of the internet and should in no way be considered particularly rigorous or unbiased. Remember, statistics are most dangerous in the hands of people who consider themselves experts but really have no idea what they are doing.

Study is Hard

Ashley L., BIOL 1107

Ashley's husband took this picture of her at 1:30am this morning. When woken, Ashley sleepily claimed, "I had to get closer to highlight..."

That's the textbook for my course underneath her head. She was preparing for my lecture on transcription and translation this morning.

If she wasn't already an excellent student, I'd totally give her an A just for sleeping in the "ready to highlight" position.

Registration Gives Me Nightmares

Back in the day, when we rode dinosaurs to school and turned in our homework on stone tablets, registering for classes was simple. We picked out our dream schedules, and then our back-up dream schedules, and then our reserve okay schedules ahead of time. We scoured the catalog and ran back and forth between rooms asking, "Which comp class are you taking?" trying to figure out who was the easiest professor and where our best friends would be and when was the latest we could possibly get up in the morning.

Those who majored in math were screwed, as our math professors tended to be early birds.

We took our schedules to the registrar's office and stood in line for ages to get into classes. The further back in line you were, the worse your schedule would be. Freshman registered last, and never got what they wanted. Upperclassmen registered first, and always knew what the best classes were. If a class was closed, you had to have a backup choice or be forced to the end of the line. I remember being sprawled out across the hallway floor in the dorm while my RA gave us tips on how to pick out classes. We had all the catalogs spread out, and we generated layers of eraser shavings as we changed and changed and changed our minds.

Some of my colleagues describe waiting in long lines for each class, only to be turned away once they got to the front. How frustrating! In any case, picking out classes and planning for the future was exciting, and the students practically buzzed with energy the closer it came to Registration Day. I remember discussing my classes with my adviser. I remember changing advisers. I remember changing majors. I remember asking the folks in the financial aid office if I could audit classes without paying for them because we could only take 18 credits. I remember enrolling in 17 credits and having 4 jobs (three on campus, one off-campus) and playing 2 sports (swimming and track) and still having time to be involved in Earth Club (hug a tree!) and Alpha Lambda Epsilon (Bear Well the Torch, my brothers and sisters!).

I'm an adviser. Students can register themselves electronically if they have over 30 credits. If they have less than that or are in a learning support class, they have to be registered by an adviser. I'm registering students right now who have no idea what classes they want, no idea how many they need to take, and no idea what is required by their major. They come into my office and they want to take the minimum number of credits to be considered full time but they don't want to be here at 8am and they don't want night classes and they don't want to come to campus every day and they don't want to take two "hard" classes at the same time.

They want Fitness Walking. They want Public Speaking. They want the guy who teaches College Algebra that everyone says is super easy and gives everyone an A. They want those classes to total 12 hours instead of 7 hours and they want them to be on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 11am to 2pm but they want to be able to drive into town for lunch because our campus cafe isn't good enough. And they want me to put together a schedule for them that meets these criteria while they text their friends and chat on their cell phones.

That's when I throw them out of my office.

If your mother didn't teach you better than that, get out. If you can't be bothered to put a little effort into your own future, get out. If you don't know why you're in college, get out. If you're too stupid to understand that Weight Training and Introduction to Statistics are not interchangeable, get out. I'm not going to help you. Get out of my office.

I suspect I'm one of only a few people here on campus who throw people out of the office on a regular basis. I hear horror stories from my fellow faculty members about behavior inside and outside the classroom, and I think, "Why? Why would you put up with that?" Then it makes me nervous. I'm new here. What if I'm not supposed to be asking these students to be responsible and respectful? What if I'm supposed to baby them? What if I'm supposed to be a maternal figure? A mother hen?

As my own mother would say, "What the Hell is wrong with you?"

I was raised by one of the least sympathetic mothers of all time. And she raised one of the most histrionic children of all time. But that's irrelevant. These students are not my children. They are adults, and I'm sick and tired of people not treating them that way. I have high expectations of my students, and they can expect the same of me. They are young, that's true, but they've been waiting a long time to be treated like adults, so just do it already. Hold them accountable. Force them to be involved in their own education. And for heaven's sake, tell them the truth.

I advise a lot of nursing students, and a lot of them are not going to be nurses. Ever. I'm constantly stuck in a conversation that starts with, "Is there anyone else I can take for Anatomy and Physiology? Because I heard [insert ANYONE here] is too hard." Listen, these are introductory courses. If you're not getting it now, you're in trouble. They hate math, they're afraid of chemistry, they complain about lab assignments, but they want to be nurses. Who is telling you that nurses get paid big bucks to sit around all day? They're lying to you! Stop believing them! What do you WANT to do with your life? You don't know? Then take a lot of different courses and find out, or take a semester off and figure it out. It's your education. It's your life.

I understand that many of our students are under special circumstances. Many are first generation high school graduates. Many come from families where they don't have proper role models. Many have deficiencies in their core curricula because they were on the "wrong" track in high school. Many have learning disabilities. But that doesn't excuse them from taking responsibility for their education.

So until they get a clue, I'm going to keep throwing them out of my office. And hope I get tenure anyway.

Pants On The Ground

This is not a biology problem, and before moving here I didn't consider it an ethnic problem, but it's a problem.

The first time I ever really noticed it was when I was at UGA. And it was a multicultural problem: white guys, black guys, Asian guys... It was a guy thing. Here in Swainsboro, it tends to be a black thing, which makes it difficult to address without being accused of racism.

In my opinion, asking a young man to pull up his pants is not racist, it's professional. This is college. This is your chance to present yourself to an intellectual community. Do you really want to do that with your ass hanging out of your pants? REALLY? For what it's worth, I'm also not a fan of sweatpants or pajamas, either. And don't think I won't ask you to cover up your breasts if they spilleth over. That's the way you present yourself? REALLY?

Now, I remember wearing wearing pajamas to class. I remember wearing my track pants to class after swim practice. I remember pretending not to care at all what other people thought and yet spending ages picking out which sweatpants I should wear to class that day. I was presenting myself as casual. Laid back. Smooth. Carefree. Individualistic.

Ridiculous.

But I promise you I never walked around with my underwear sho-  Oops. Wait. That's not true. I never went to CLASS with my underwear showing. I promise.

A male student asked me, "Dr. B! Did you yell at someone about their pants being low in the Registrar's office today?" It wasn't me, but I was his first guess, because I'd gotten after him and his friends before. Typically all I ask is whether or not there is a reason I'm being forced to look at their underpants. They say no, and they pull their pants up. If they're wearing a long shirt and I can't see it, I don't care. It's baggy. Baggy is unflattering, but it's not inappropriate. At this point, the few on campus who are the worst offenders pull their pants up the minute they see me. I smile and say hello and ask after them and treat them as I would any other college student. They seem fine with it.

Recently, one of my other students claimed that his government professor told him that wearing pants buckled below the crotch is about "street cred" and I shouldn't be so critical. It's racist. "Your government professor is a middle aged white guy from Alabama. He's your expert?" I don't buy it. This is an academic environment. Put your best face forward. Do you want to be a thug or a college graduate? Why in the Hell are you here?

So, I'm going to keep asking them to pull up their damn pants.